The advantage of staying abroad is that you get to meet, interact and live amongst different communities and learn first hand about their cultures, beliefs etc. It opens your eyes to whole new world - the food habits, preferences, or mere living style, to deeper things such as parenting style and behavioural habits.
I had the pleasure of hosting dinner last weekend to an extremely sweet, Non- Indian couple, along with their new born. While we chatted at length about the joys and challenges of being a new parent, the topic of baby names came up. I mentioned that for us, it was very tough to think of two "perfect" names (we just could not zero down on one boy and one girl name), but when we finally saw our little baby's face, the right name just clicked.
Our friends asked me innocently "Why two names - one boy and one girl? You didn't want to know the sex of the baby?".
I laughed and said that it was anyway not up to us! We cannot find out the sex of the baby!!
Boy o boy - did that statement open up a Pandora box!! ;)
What followed was a shocked expression on their faces as I simply told them that prenatal sex determination is banned in our country. "We need to maintain a sex ratio; to counter balance the supreme preference for boys. Law is rightly in place to avoid sex selective abortion by parents who do not want to have a girl child."
"Oh does that actually happen? Still happens? Parents would terminate the pregnancy if they learnt that the baby is a girl??Why???"
So what is the real problem? Why does a parent not want a girl child? Is it because the parents feel that the girls will not support them when they are old - financially and physically? Since she may not really have a career and/or after marriage they will not live with her.
The selfish reason - who will take care of us, daughter will get married and will be expected to take care of her in-laws, what will happen to us!!
Or parents feel that the society puts too much restrictions on a woman, she will have a tough life?
Or that run down idea of carrying on the family name? (whatever that means!)
We see a lot of media/social movement targeting various issues relating to women empowerment. The 'Beti Bachao' Andolan is one such step towards saving the girl child.
A recent ad I saw on TV rakes up so many feelings - 'Ab samjhauta nahi' (translated meaning now no compromise) talks about how women are tuned to think and behave in a certain way that society dictates and they grow up just bowing to those rules. They can't lead their lives carefree, without being judged and are expected to behave and dress in a certain way all the time.
So first we struggle to welcome a girl child in our house; and even if we decide to have one; we struggle to give her a life that she wants to lead, free from the unnecessary and endless expectations of society to mould her in the way that is defined as decent and submissive.
That night, lying in my room, I kept thinking about what the real deal was?
Every one would accept that the house cannot run without the lady of the house - you need her for a well functioning home, you need her to take care of you when you are unwell, you need her because she can take care of your nutritional needs like no one, you need her because she gives you the emotional support, it's her shoulder you go to to cry on. You need her to keep your house and life in order! You need her to bring sanity in your life. But some how, you don't want to give birth to her. You don't want a woman to give birth to her own kind!
YUCK, at so many levels!
You have two seeds of a mango tree; you plant one seed in fertile soil, other in barren land; water the first one, take care of it, provide necessary nutrients, it grows in to a vast beautiful mango tree and bears lots of fruits for you to eat. The other seed, of course in a barren land, not watered well, not taken care of, doesn't grow, is weak and doesn't bear fruit. It doesn't help you when you are hungry. But is it the other seed's fault? You didn't even give this seed a chance to grow! And now you complain that it's of no use to you.
There is no difference between a boy child and a girl child if you raise both of them the same way, with similar values, opportunities and exposure. Give the girl the right education, build her health, make her work hard to excel in her academics, help her find her talents that can be honed to build a career or be her passion and give her the necessary time to build a career and other interests. Give her the opportunity to explore, travel, try things out so that she can discover herself.
Don't raise her with the belief that academics, talents, career are all secondary, since she will always have the option to quit all that one day. And don't make her feel that quitting is the right path for her!!
Let her decide her path, her career aspirations, her ambition in life, so that she can become economically independent. Make her mentally strong; fierce.
And then you see how she will take care of you; marriage doesn't mean she has to sever all ties with her side of the family; living apart doesn't mean that she cannot take care of you. But if you raise her making her feel that she is anyway an "outsider to your family", she will also treat you the same way when she grows up.
The problem is not with the girl child, problem is with the way you would think, treat her and raise her. Why can't a girl buy her parents a house if needed, even after her marriage. Why can't a girl's parents live with her after her marriage instead of being alone? Why does she have to think twice before visiting her parents after marriage?
What is it that a son can do for parents that a daughter misses? It's a shame on us parents if we raise our kids any thing short of a confident, independent and able minded individual.
We have enough examples to display that women can be equally successful in all fields - the likes of Indra Nooyi, Chanda Kochhar, Naina Lal Kidwai, Kiran Mazumdar Shaw (it's a good long list), who are shining in the corporate world. Then see Saina Nehwal, Sania Mirza ..and the recent Olympic champions P.V. Sindhu, Sakshi Malik, Dipa Karmakar who have excelled in sports, brought fame to the country and shown that women can be as competitive, physically and mentally!
Clearly, the fault doesn't lie with the gender, it lies with our thinking, our insecurity and our incapability to raise the girl child.
First few lines of a beautiful poem that I had read long back - during my middle school days; it had made an impact on me then, it still stirs something inside me:
"How does it matter, a girl or a boy
A baby is a baby, a bundle of joy.
It seems so ridiculous, when people around say
bless you with a boy, he's better any day!"
When will we change for the better?
"Be the change that you wish to see in the world". Mahatma Gandhi
If we want things to improve, we have to take that step. In our own small way, we have to try...
I wait for the day when such laws are not required because the only thing the parents would care about be the baby's health and well being! To provide that to our children is our basic responsibility.
I had the pleasure of hosting dinner last weekend to an extremely sweet, Non- Indian couple, along with their new born. While we chatted at length about the joys and challenges of being a new parent, the topic of baby names came up. I mentioned that for us, it was very tough to think of two "perfect" names (we just could not zero down on one boy and one girl name), but when we finally saw our little baby's face, the right name just clicked.
Our friends asked me innocently "Why two names - one boy and one girl? You didn't want to know the sex of the baby?".
I laughed and said that it was anyway not up to us! We cannot find out the sex of the baby!!
Boy o boy - did that statement open up a Pandora box!! ;)
What followed was a shocked expression on their faces as I simply told them that prenatal sex determination is banned in our country. "We need to maintain a sex ratio; to counter balance the supreme preference for boys. Law is rightly in place to avoid sex selective abortion by parents who do not want to have a girl child."
"Oh does that actually happen? Still happens? Parents would terminate the pregnancy if they learnt that the baby is a girl??Why???"
So what is the real problem? Why does a parent not want a girl child? Is it because the parents feel that the girls will not support them when they are old - financially and physically? Since she may not really have a career and/or after marriage they will not live with her.
The selfish reason - who will take care of us, daughter will get married and will be expected to take care of her in-laws, what will happen to us!!
Or parents feel that the society puts too much restrictions on a woman, she will have a tough life?
Or that run down idea of carrying on the family name? (whatever that means!)
We see a lot of media/social movement targeting various issues relating to women empowerment. The 'Beti Bachao' Andolan is one such step towards saving the girl child.
A recent ad I saw on TV rakes up so many feelings - 'Ab samjhauta nahi' (translated meaning now no compromise) talks about how women are tuned to think and behave in a certain way that society dictates and they grow up just bowing to those rules. They can't lead their lives carefree, without being judged and are expected to behave and dress in a certain way all the time.
So first we struggle to welcome a girl child in our house; and even if we decide to have one; we struggle to give her a life that she wants to lead, free from the unnecessary and endless expectations of society to mould her in the way that is defined as decent and submissive.
That night, lying in my room, I kept thinking about what the real deal was?
Every one would accept that the house cannot run without the lady of the house - you need her for a well functioning home, you need her to take care of you when you are unwell, you need her because she can take care of your nutritional needs like no one, you need her because she gives you the emotional support, it's her shoulder you go to to cry on. You need her to keep your house and life in order! You need her to bring sanity in your life. But some how, you don't want to give birth to her. You don't want a woman to give birth to her own kind!
YUCK, at so many levels!
You have two seeds of a mango tree; you plant one seed in fertile soil, other in barren land; water the first one, take care of it, provide necessary nutrients, it grows in to a vast beautiful mango tree and bears lots of fruits for you to eat. The other seed, of course in a barren land, not watered well, not taken care of, doesn't grow, is weak and doesn't bear fruit. It doesn't help you when you are hungry. But is it the other seed's fault? You didn't even give this seed a chance to grow! And now you complain that it's of no use to you.
There is no difference between a boy child and a girl child if you raise both of them the same way, with similar values, opportunities and exposure. Give the girl the right education, build her health, make her work hard to excel in her academics, help her find her talents that can be honed to build a career or be her passion and give her the necessary time to build a career and other interests. Give her the opportunity to explore, travel, try things out so that she can discover herself.
Don't raise her with the belief that academics, talents, career are all secondary, since she will always have the option to quit all that one day. And don't make her feel that quitting is the right path for her!!
Let her decide her path, her career aspirations, her ambition in life, so that she can become economically independent. Make her mentally strong; fierce.
And then you see how she will take care of you; marriage doesn't mean she has to sever all ties with her side of the family; living apart doesn't mean that she cannot take care of you. But if you raise her making her feel that she is anyway an "outsider to your family", she will also treat you the same way when she grows up.
The problem is not with the girl child, problem is with the way you would think, treat her and raise her. Why can't a girl buy her parents a house if needed, even after her marriage. Why can't a girl's parents live with her after her marriage instead of being alone? Why does she have to think twice before visiting her parents after marriage?
What is it that a son can do for parents that a daughter misses? It's a shame on us parents if we raise our kids any thing short of a confident, independent and able minded individual.
We have enough examples to display that women can be equally successful in all fields - the likes of Indra Nooyi, Chanda Kochhar, Naina Lal Kidwai, Kiran Mazumdar Shaw (it's a good long list), who are shining in the corporate world. Then see Saina Nehwal, Sania Mirza ..and the recent Olympic champions P.V. Sindhu, Sakshi Malik, Dipa Karmakar who have excelled in sports, brought fame to the country and shown that women can be as competitive, physically and mentally!
Clearly, the fault doesn't lie with the gender, it lies with our thinking, our insecurity and our incapability to raise the girl child.
First few lines of a beautiful poem that I had read long back - during my middle school days; it had made an impact on me then, it still stirs something inside me:
"How does it matter, a girl or a boy
A baby is a baby, a bundle of joy.
It seems so ridiculous, when people around say
bless you with a boy, he's better any day!"
When will we change for the better?
"Be the change that you wish to see in the world". Mahatma Gandhi
If we want things to improve, we have to take that step. In our own small way, we have to try...
I wait for the day when such laws are not required because the only thing the parents would care about be the baby's health and well being! To provide that to our children is our basic responsibility.
