Have you ever felt this way? What is/was that 'it' in your life?

I am forced to learn that I am probably not that good

Or who knows, may be no good at all.

It’s taken a while, but now I have understood

And stopped trying, lest I would again fall.

But I do wonder, as everyone around seems just like me

So what is it that I can’t do or see?

They seem to be doing better by far

Touching new heights, their doors are ajar.

But my doors - why don’t they open?

Jammed and fixed, not cracked, not broken.

To not let even a ray of light enter

I sit in darkness and simply wonder,

Everyone around seems more or less just like me

So why is it that there is nothing I can do or see?

It’s a repeat, once again,

Of a memory, of a strain.

When I sat in a big circle, with my friends around

And I was the only one who couldn’t make a sound

when asked, “So do all of you have it?”

I sat there, hiding, the only misfit.

-MS

Boy o Boy!!

The advantage of staying abroad is that you get to meet, interact and live amongst different communities and learn first hand about their cultures, beliefs etc. It opens your eyes to whole new world - the food habits, preferences, or mere living style, to deeper things such as parenting style and behavioural habits.

I had the pleasure of hosting dinner last weekend to an extremely sweet, Non- Indian couple, along with their new born. While we chatted at length about the joys and challenges of being a new parent, the topic of baby names came up. I mentioned that for us, it was very tough to think of two "perfect" names (we just could not zero down on one boy and one girl name), but when we finally saw our little baby's face, the right name just clicked.

Our friends asked me innocently "Why two names - one boy and one girl? You didn't want to know the sex of the baby?".

I laughed and said that it was anyway not up to us! We cannot find out the sex of the baby!!

Boy o boy - did that statement open up a Pandora box!! ;)

What followed was a shocked expression on their faces as I simply told them that prenatal sex determination is banned in our country. "We need to maintain a sex ratio; to counter balance the supreme preference for boys. Law is rightly in place to avoid sex selective abortion by parents who do not want to have a girl child."

"Oh does that actually happen? Still happens? Parents would terminate the pregnancy if they learnt that the baby is a girl??Why???"

So what is the real problem? Why does a parent not want a girl child? Is it because the parents feel that the girls will not support them when they are old - financially and physically? Since she may not really have a career and/or after marriage they will not live with her.
The selfish reason - who will take care of us, daughter will get married and will be expected to take care of her in-laws, what will happen to us!!
Or parents feel that the society puts too much restrictions on a woman, she will have a tough life?
Or that run down idea of carrying on the family name? (whatever that means!)

We see a lot of media/social movement targeting various issues relating to women empowerment. The 'Beti Bachao' Andolan is one such step towards saving the girl child.
A recent ad I saw on TV rakes up so many feelings - 'Ab samjhauta nahi' (translated meaning now no compromise) talks about how women are tuned to think and behave in a certain way that society dictates and they grow up just bowing to those rules. They can't lead their lives carefree, without being judged and are expected to behave and dress in a certain way all the time.

So first we struggle to welcome a girl child in our house; and even if we decide to have one; we struggle to give her a life that she wants to lead, free from the unnecessary and endless expectations of society to mould her in the way that is defined as decent and submissive.

That night, lying in my room, I kept thinking about what the real deal was?

Every one would accept that the house cannot run without the lady of the house - you need her for a well functioning home, you need her to take care of you when you are unwell, you need her because she can take care of your nutritional needs like no one, you need her because she gives you the emotional support, it's her shoulder you go to to cry on. You need her to keep your house and life in order! You need her to bring sanity in your life. But some how, you don't want to give birth to her. You don't want a woman to give birth to her own kind!

YUCK, at so many levels!

You have two seeds of a mango tree; you plant one seed in fertile soil, other in barren land; water the first one, take care of it, provide necessary nutrients, it grows in to a vast beautiful mango tree and bears lots of fruits for you to eat. The other seed, of course in a barren land, not watered well, not taken care of, doesn't grow, is weak and doesn't bear fruit. It doesn't help you when you are hungry. But is it the other seed's fault? You didn't even give this seed a chance to grow! And now you complain that it's of no use to you.

There is no difference between a boy child and a girl child if you raise both of them the same way, with similar values, opportunities and exposure. Give the girl the right education, build her health, make her work hard to excel in her academics, help her find her talents that can be honed to build a career or be her passion and give her the necessary time to build a career and other interests. Give her the opportunity to explore, travel, try things out so that she can discover herself.
Don't raise her with the belief that academics, talents, career are all secondary, since she will always have the option to quit all that one day. And don't make her feel that quitting is the right path for her!!
Let her decide her path, her career aspirations, her ambition in life, so that she can become economically independent. Make her mentally strong; fierce.

And then you see how she will take care of you; marriage doesn't mean she has to sever all ties with her side of the family; living apart doesn't mean that she cannot take care of you. But if you raise her making her feel that she is anyway an "outsider to your family", she will also treat you the same way when she grows up.

The problem is not with the girl child, problem is with the way you would think, treat her and raise her. Why can't a girl buy her parents a house if needed, even after her marriage. Why can't a girl's parents live with her after her marriage instead of being alone? Why does she have to think twice before visiting her parents after marriage?
What is it that a son can do for parents that a daughter misses? It's a shame on us parents if we raise our kids any thing short of a confident, independent and able minded individual.
We have enough examples to display that women can be equally successful in all fields - the likes of Indra Nooyi, Chanda Kochhar, Naina Lal Kidwai, Kiran Mazumdar Shaw (it's a good long list), who are shining in the corporate world. Then see Saina Nehwal, Sania Mirza ..and the recent Olympic champions P.V. Sindhu, Sakshi Malik, Dipa Karmakar who have excelled in sports, brought fame to the country and shown that women can be as competitive, physically and mentally!

Clearly, the fault doesn't lie with the gender, it lies with our thinking, our insecurity and our incapability to raise the girl child.

First few lines of a beautiful poem that I had read long back - during my middle school days; it had made an impact on me then, it still stirs something inside me:

"How does it matter, a girl or a boy
A baby is a baby, a bundle of joy.
It seems so ridiculous, when people around say
bless you with a boy, he's better any day!"

When will we change for the better?

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world". Mahatma Gandhi

If we want things to improve, we have to take that step. In our own small way, we have to try...
I wait for the day when such laws are not required because the only thing the parents would care about be the baby's health and well being! To provide that to our children is our basic responsibility.



  

Casual

Writing after a long gap...have been busy with the daily chores!
But finally managed to get a breather this week...so decided to watch a movie. Saw a couple - Good entertainment. But the last one I saw made me think.

This movie was about this girl (group of friends actually) who lives her life in a very modern way - she is ambitious, independent and strong minded. I am glad Indian Cinema thinks of portraying women like this now - quite a shift from the "typical woman" whose only aim in life is to get married so that she can dedicate herself to husband/family, with no desire to study/build a career. Don't get me wrong - I personally feel marriage and family post that are extremely important and key to one's happiness; but equally important are the other aspects of her life such as job, career. No reason that she can't do both! So, I like the fact that cinema is willing to add different aspects to a woman's role now.

But that was not what I was thinking about after watching this movie. In one part of the story, this girl gets pregnant but does not want to keep the child, so gets it aborted. She doesn't tell her partner about it since it was a casual relationship (at least according to her). This entire portion was dealt with in a very nonchalant way, discussions (with her girl friends) on the unwanted pregnancy and on its termination were done overnight... and that's it...

Pre marital sex is a very common thing now, we all know it. And old age generation has no choice but to accept it as a normal thing. Fine. Done.
We now even show that casual flings are fine; normal, healthy etc...and put our caveats that "no one should get hurt" or "as long as you are not misleading the other person", "emotionally on the same page" etc etc.

But what happened to safe sex? Is that not something we must preach in our cinema? And even if, despite safe sex, you somehow get pregnant, is the movie trying to show that abortion is as normal and casual as anything else? Where are we drawing the line? In our quest to be absolutely modern or forward going, where we carry no baggage and live life the 'cool' way - what makes us stop and say "No, this is too much!" Not even the decision to keep or terminate a life?

I didn't get disturbed by the ultimate decision taken by the protagonist (of not going ahead with her pregnancy) because various circumstances can lead to such a decision in one's life - my issue is the way with which it was talked about, the seriousness shown around the decision; or rather the lack of it.

Are we trying to portray that just as casual sex, even this is casual. No big deal?? I don't expect a melodrama around it, but to give it a run-of-the-mill activity treatment?? And to repeat my point - why is the movie not talking about safe sex, anywhere!!!

The decision to have a child (or not) is a very big deal. It is one of the most important decisions of our lives since it has long lasting, irreversible and deep impact on several lives around us. And that action doesn't just stop at merely having a child - to bring a new life into this world means giving the kid a meaningful, loving, caring, protective environment, providing for him/her in every possible way - financially and otherwise and ultimately raising him/her to be a strong, confident, aware and smart person who can lead a beautiful life in this big world. It's a huge responsibility and the resolution to take up this responsibility or not take up deserves grave thinking and cannot be trivialized by mixing it with other routine issues of life.

I hope that movie is not a reflection of the way majority today thinks and behaves. Coz if it is, it's scary! Call me old school, but it's very scary to me.

Keep the "change" chum...

It's interesting how all parents feel that they have to teach every thing to their kids...and if they don't then how will the children learn the important aspects of life, the solutions to the issues and the problems they could face etc etc.?

I also think the same way - I feel it's my responsibility to teach my child everything that this life and the world has to offer, prepare him as he grows up and faces each new day. And of course, it's a responsibility at which I can't afford to fail.

But the last 2 weeks have been the reverse direction of teaching - my son taught me something beautiful; rather reminded me of something that I try to teach him!

While I have largely spent my last 6 months desperately trying to deal with the changes in my life (and often not dealing with them very well), my son has also been dealing with his set of changes. But in a totally different way!

Two things happened last week - my son got a new pair of glasses, yeah, he's very small but needs to wear them. What can be done?
And, I told my son that he would be changing his school next month. He's very happy with the current school that he is going to.

So last week was very stressful for me; I was not sure how he would react and adjust to the glasses, what his friends would say and how he would deal with those comments.
I was also worried wondering if he would be okay with the news of changing schools, since he is already so well settled in the current one.

Glasses:
So I had a full speech prepared for him. "Glasses - don't worry about glasses, even I wear them, daddy wears them. If our eyes are weak, we wear glasses, but it's fun. It makes us look so grown up. You are a big boy but now, with glasses, you are almost a grown up!"
With all this, I made him try on his new glasses and asked him if he was comfortable, almost ready to repeat my above speech on a Big 'NO' reply from him. And he said, "It's okay mummy, I am fine."
"Are you sure?" "Yes, can I go and play now?" And off he went!
That's it!  No more questions, no complains and no comments! We haven't discussed the glasses since then. Every morning, after getting dressed for school, he simply puts on his glasses and leaves for school!

School:
Explaining to him about why we are changing his school, giving him all the good reasons for moving to a bigger school, which would be more fun (and I had several exciting things about the new school prepared in my head to tell him), he interrupts me and I have this brilliant conversation with him:

Son - Will this school be far?
Me - Yes
Son - So does that mean I will go in a bigger bus, like a double decker?
Me - May be, yes
Son - Awesome! And since you are saying it's a bigger school, will it have a bigger playground and classes and more toys?
Me - Yeah, it would
Son - Great, when am I going there?
Me - Soon! Are you okay with this change?
Son - Yeah mummy..it's okay!

I smiled and wondered how easily my son accepted the changes; for a 3 year old, these kind of changes can be very overwhelming. But I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I was overthinking it and was grossly wrong in my expectation of the outcome.

And he is right... it's okay mummy! If we spend less time fretting about the change and more in trying to see the positive things effected from the change, we will be far more adept at handling it. We will also be able to channelize our energy into more productive things or find solutions to the new problems associated with those changes.

No one's life is constant, we all go through changes in our everyday lives - small and big ones. How easy would it become if we focus on the good things that those changes bring in our lives. Might help us deal with the not-so-good things that come along too.
This attitude will also keep the people around us upbeat.

My 3 year old reminded me of what I keep preaching him; it's okay, just see the good things coming with the change and keep up with it!

Deal with the change mum...and keep up with it!

It's a new world

Hi

Well, this is my first every blog! A new thing for me...Have to thank my bro, who introduced me to this, and a few friends, who encouraged me to write.

After mulling over this idea for a while, I decided to take the plunge! I do enjoy writing, so thought it would be good to give this a shot.

And this seemed like a good time; I'm at a particular stage in my life where I have the time to sit back, rethink on what I want to do with my career and make the most of this break that I have taken.

The first couple of months went in just trying to deal with the change... forcing myself to accept the change, not resist it.

Resistance to change - How all of us are so freaked out about changes in our lives. I believed that I was very adaptable and open to change, until now! When put in that situation, I realized I have resisted the change with all my might. And in that process just wasted precious time! I had a set routine, had things planned out and was moving in that direction.

But life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans - So true!

I'm all over the place right now; frankly, hoping that through this medium, I will get my thoughts together..and also my future plans, to thrive in my new world.

Until then...